The Five Trolls You’ll Meet Online

They’re serial commentors who always have something to say from the behind safety of their anonymous nicknames. Here are the five of our favourite trolls who live under the bridge at the bottom of the page…

 

1. The Crude

snooki south park

Oh how we love these nonsensical potty mouths who spew expletives with such force and creativity. We often learn new swear words and colourful uses of the language from them.

Typical comment: “You are confirm ugly smelly K**C** pangsai mouth. I pity your mother man, kena one ch** b** face like you for children. Prease lor, You faster drop dead and go and die. I see you so childish-minded. F***your entire family. You better crawl into your dog’s ass****”

 

 

2. The Prude

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Easy to offend and quick to defend, these generally right-wing, uber-religious auntie- and uncle- types love wagging their finger at everyone online. Usually very out of touch with what’s actually going on and off-topic, but  it’s a wonder they even have internet access at top of their mighty high horse.

Typical comment: “You should be ashamed of yourself for saying such things about her. Miley Cyrus is a church-going like her dad and mum. I agree with what this Robin Thicke woman sings – Miley is a good girl. That you could say such a thing shows that your parents did a bad job on you. I’m praying for them and for you.”

 

3. The Deluded

Polyphemus

Die-die loyal to their respective political party – whose leaders can do no wrong. The Deluded’s world is very black and white: the party they support is always right, and the other party is always wrong. That is all.

Typical comment: “F$%# anyone say MP Tan Choo Lye  bad thing. [THE OTHER PARTY] are all terrorists who steal our money and eat our babies!”

 

4. The Losers

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They just don’t seem to get this whole, social media thing. Their comments defy the unwritten rules of online engagement. These poor dudes are often awkward, unattractive and ignored.

Typical comment: “HI CANDYGURL735 YOUR COMMENT IS SO CUTE HASHTAG YOU  R PRETTY CAN WE MEET CALL ME AND WE CAN MEET AT KEMBANGAN MCDONALDS PLANTS ARE NICE HASHTAG THANK YOU”

 

5. The Bimbos

sexytroll

Sweet, but dull, these online ah lians mix mediocre grammar with bland, banal observations. They use smiley faces and hearts the way most people use fullstops. They add nothing to the conversation, apart from a much-needed break from the above four fools!

Typical comment: “Haha (>_<) So farnie! I lovt to read your block \(^^)/ “

  

Some of our favourite trolls are on YouTube, and this guy in particular took his trolling to new levels when he posted this video of what’s essential one long hateful hilarious troll rant. Enjoy!

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About the author

madmonk

I am a satirical writer. I offend. And I urge you not to take me too seriously.

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