She is not your mother.
She is the mother of her own children who are undoubtedly still grieving over her sudden departure. My heart goes out to them, caught up unwillingly in this swirl of mischevious media glare, while trying to heal and to move on with their lives. Let them grieve in peace.
A fellow Singaporean passed away on 11 Sep 13. She, like many others of her generation, helped build Singapore to what it is today through quiet fortitude and sheer determination. Let us remember her gently with respect and grace.
Her name is Mdm Lu Dai Hao (陆带好).
Newspaper headlines read: In the eyes of the neighbours, Samsui woman ‘HaoJie’ did not need to worry over daily necessities and her children were very filial
In the eyes of the neighbors, Samsui woman “HaoJie” was an independent, determined and optimistic lady. Her children were filial and she did not need to worry over daily necessities. She often treated her friends to biscuits and fruits.
I was mulling over her death as my kids climbed into the car in their usual chatter and we drove to Church. As they alighted and each gave me a kiss and told me “Love you mummy!” “Have a fab day at work mummy!” my mind drifted to a child we lost a couple of years ago…
It was suicide.
Do we love her? Yes.
Do we miss her? Yes. Terribly.
The last entry to her blog was “I feel loved.”
And I thought, Madam Lu Daihao’s family must love her too.
Driving along ECP, my mind drifted to the lady who apparently attempted suicide with her young son and she survived. What causes any one to desire to end their lives we may never know nor understand.
As we tried to come to terms with our daughter’s suicide, we joined the suicide survivor’s support group and heard stories of other survivors (A suicide survivor or survivor of suicide is one of the family and friends of someone who has died by suicide).
Instead of feeling helped to move on, we felt dragged down as the survivors blamed something or someone as they try to fill the intense need to reconcile what they know and how they feel.
Rewind to the day we received the call from the Police that they found a young lady at the foot of a block of flats and they suspect it may be our daughter. We were silent as we drove to the station to identify the items recovered from the deceased. As we alighted from the car, my husband and i cried and hugged and told each other “no blaming.”
It’s been more than four years and the heartache is raw, what helped us is that we were allowed to grief. Our Church and family and workplace support groups and friends lifted us up and never asked us “how could you…..?” For in our hearts we have been asking ourselves “how could we not know….” “how could we not stopped it…..” “how could we have contributed to her decision?….” And that’s bad enough.
Our comfort is her beautiful face as she laid in the casket, and her peaceful countenance.
So do we blame government for every suicide?
Blame the family?
Blame the friends?
She left us a suicide note that gave us no reasons why she’ll take her own life, she wrote about being impatient to know what her future will be like (to be a lawyer or a stay at home mum), she assured us that she loved us in her usual jovial tone. And her last words were “Yes Mr. Coroner, it is suicide. =) ”
We will never know what goes in the minds of them who were intent on ending their own lives. So why blame? Please let suicide survivors find their peace.
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