How to raise S$70,000 like a boss

If you’ve ever accidently defamed someone…like say, the Prime Minister of a politically paranoid country, and need to raise money quickly… why not turn to the internet as a source of funding?

But you can’t just go out on the internet and ask for money – you gotta do it with style.

The idea here is to present an online pitch globally via a crowd-funding platform with a promise of delivering products/goods/services in exchange for money upfront.

If you have nothing to offer, why not exchange your writing services? If you trade each article at $175, you only need 400 articles to achieve $70k!

Other than that, study these crowd-sourcing rules to sharpen your fund raising techniques further!

 

1. Know thy target customer

In marketing, we call this “segmentation” and “targeting”. Know very clearly who your audience is and concentrate your efforts on them.

If you are a defamatory blogger (allegedly of course), you’ll want to reach out to people who are sympathetic to your cause. Try to target the angsty young person whose retirement is light years away. Then tell him/her that their CPF is being cheated of and you’ll somehow fight for it by writing lots of articles.

 

2. Promise a life enhancing experience

In marketing speak, this is the product/service’s Unique Value Proposition (USP). A little bit like telling people you’ll be fighting for their rights. Or you’ll save Singapore from (allegedly *cough cough*) corrupt politicians. Or you’ll organize a petition and a protest that will magically release your money from CPF.

 

3. David vs Goliath

People are always in favour of the underdog. Like say… Apple vs Microsoft (then) or Apple vs Samsung (now).

Don’t join a political party. Don’t take sides. Always stay the underdog and always win!

 

4. Bad publicity is still publicity

Remember Chee Soon Juan? Terrible publicity – but hey, he’s still Secretary General of a major political party and Singaporeans still love him! …Right?

 

5. Embrace your customer’s fears and risks

In a typical crowd-funding project, if the money raised does not hit the target, the money will be refunded via the crowd-funding platform, no risk whatsoever. In our case, you won’t return the dosh because it will become your lawyer’s lunch money.

 

6. Use an emotionally charged pitch

In business, brands pitch their products/services as ground breaking, peace bringing, love making and world changing. Learn how to do this – tell a fable of righteousness and justice. Always use the magic words “every cent counts”.

For added drama, show pictures of yourself eating plain rice, or taking buses. Show them how much you’re suffering for them.

 

7. Be transparent and authentic

Clean businesses have no qualms about being audited. And pay the tax they need to pay on their funds.

Hmmm.

Next.

 

8. Have numerous payment channels (the fun part)

Be open to receiving via cash, cheque, PayPal and even accept cash/check in person or via snail mail. It doesn’t matter, as long as the money is in… who cares?

There you have it – follow these simple guidelines and have fun raising monies for your very own defamation project!

 

PS: Oh, we forgot to mention – we’re not experts but you better check if licences and permits are required. Or if you need to pay taxes on your income. Because, you know… every cent counts!

 

 

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About the author

madmonk

I am a satirical writer. I offend. And I urge you not to take me too seriously.

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