Alcohol is just the tip of the iceberg.There are many other things that we enjoy although they can cause rash decisions and disorderly behaviour in public. Everything on this list should also be restricted so that we can sleep soundly at night, knowing that public order is assured in our cocoon of rainbows and unicorn giggles fair Republic.
8 Things The MHA Missed
1) Lard chunks in bak chor mee
It starts with an innocuous observation: your colleague always gets two more lard chunks in their bak chor mee than you. Weeks roll by, and you realize that you’re at the bottom of the lard distribution chain, for no good reason. Resentment builds. One day, you go full Hulk and find yourself standing on a table at the hawker centre, screaming “WHY ME? I’M HUMAN TOO!” while stabbing an imaginary opponent with a pair of chopsticks. You also appear on STOMP and find yourself friendless and jobless.
2) Hello Kitty collectibles
The fire, the angst, the conflict … very few other collectibles inspire such flagrant disregard for rules, or impassioned impromptu speeches. Clearly, Hello Kitty collectibles create a hotbed of dissent and disorderly conduct. These collectibles should be banned outright. We can’t take chances when it comes to public safety!
3) Multiplayer first-person shooter games
I once attempted to shoot a portly gentleman in the supermarket with a banana. I had been playing way too much Left 4 Dead before that fateful day, and mistook the gentleman for a zombie boss with a really large stomach. Thankfully, the worst that came of that unfortunate incident was a lifetime ban from that supermarket (also, the banana was slightly bruised in the process). But think of how badly it could have gone: I could have been trampled to death by a crowd of angry people who mistook me for a militant fat-shamer.
4) The Great Singapore Sale
Hordes of shoppers, limited stock, huge discounts and understaffed retail stores: the Great Singapore Sale is a recipe for unmitigated disaster of the most deadly sort. It’s only a matter of time before we see a riot caused by bargain stilettos and designer handbags. Imagine the damage those angry shoppers could do with their credit cards (literal damage, not the damage to their own savings plans)!
According to Anyhow Say Statistics Corporation (ASSCorp), 79.3% of the offenders who committed aggravated assault from 2008–2013 cited queue-cutting as the reason for their violent outburst. And who can blame them? The path to a more orderly society is simple: criminalize queue-cutting and banish repeat offenders to a deserted island with only one Justin Bieber song loaded on an iPod. No one will risk cutting queues in Singapore again.
6) PSLE results
The threat to public order and safety posed by Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) results was so great that the identity of the annual PSLE top scorers is now kept secret and locked in a vault guarded by arcane runes, two dragons and the grumpiest hokkien mee seller in Singapore. But it’s not enough. We need to ensure that thousands of angry twelve-year-olds don’t take out their disappointment and frustration at their results on an unsuspecting adult populace. Thus, we should heavily restrict PSLE results by limiting scores to “Steady” or “Jialat,” i.e. Pass/Fail.
Ever heard of the Katong Laksa Wars? They were like Star Wars, but with fewer lightsabers and more hum (cockles). To this day, we’ll never truly know how many coconut husk ladles perished bravely in the Katong Laksa Wars. Nor will we know how many prawns vanished down the gullets of brave combatants subjecting themselves to blind taste tests on the frontline. The war has subsided for now, but we can’t leave it to chance. Let’s restrict the consumption of laksa today, before more taste buds are permanently damaged by this senseless gastronomic conflict.
8) Game of Thrones
In a startling global phenomenon, fans of HBO’s Game of Thrones (GoT) are getting exponentially angrier with each season of the series. Expressions of GoTrage vary, from frustration with the death toll in GoT to discussing how to assassinate George R.R. Martin. These levels of anger in Singaporeans are worrying, and no good can come of it. If you don’t believe me, try saying “Red Wedding” to a GoT fan and see what happens. (My editor asked that I include this disclaimer: Aggravate GoT fans at your own risk. We are not responsible for your medical bills, should you be the victim of GoTrage.)