Who cares if Singapore’s productivity is going down? What’s important is that we look busy instead of actually get busy, because hey…we’re just here to get a pay cheque and go home right? So doesn’t matter if you’re the boss or the employee, here are 10 sure-fire ways to flush productivity down the toilet!
1. Practice the art of looking busy
If you’re an employee, always, always say that you are busy and have no time for anything else. Never say that you’re relaxed, because that will make you lose face. You will have to work a little bit of overtime anyway, regardless of whether or not you’ve done your work…so why work so hard during the day?
2. Build rigid structures and hierarchy
If you’re at top management, build unnecessary layers of reporting lines and structures… kinda like, the army! Have a key appointment holder for everything and make sure everyone stops whatever they’re doing to produce reports, prepare for meetings and get unnecessary data at your whim and fancy. Oh and within a shot timeframe too.
Make ad-hoc reporting a norm so that everyone is kept busy fetching data and implementing ideas at your whim and fancy, because hey – you’re the boss and that’s how bosses keep the people in the hierarchy busy.
3. Enforce “team building” activities without actually encouraging communication
Because cheesy “team building” activities have been done so often, they must somehow get everyone to work together right? Oh yes, and don’t encourage inter-company socialising. Lunch and drinks should only be confined within departments. Let departments make enemies amongst each other and let them think one is better than the other.
Don’t let people actually learn how to communicate. Work is work and nothing else matters.
4. Use the phone and internet extensively for entertainment
Surely you must allow for unbridled entertainment and communication. If we’ve got connection, why don’t we get connecting? Type furiously at your keyboards, make everyone think that you’re doing lots of work – when actually you’re just gossiping the daylights out of Ryan Gosling or keying in your credit card numbers for a purchase.
5. Setup a hundred WhatsApp work groups and expect replies from all of them
Oh yes, have extensive conversations on WhatsApp and demand that whatever is spoken on the messenger service is law and must be adhered to. Make sure that you leave an instruction on a Saturday evening and expect it by Monday. Have your employee frantically search through the logs for “proof” and “reason” that he/she did not comply.
6. Be a weak leader
Respond to every single micro-complaint there is in the organisation and make sure every one reports to you on every little thing that happens in the company, because hey – you’re the boss right and you should take on every problem corporate or not. Don’t empower staff to have independent decision making because they’re not supposed to overstep your authority!
7. Be obsessed with fancy reports
Go into the nitty gritty, nit pick on the colours, shapes, images, flow charts and graphs in a presentation that would take half a day of research, that your audience would skim in half a second. Insist on having as many words and as much data as possible, disregard if the data is actually relevant to your presentation or not. The audience will surely be impressed by the sheer amount of work that has gone into the presentation, than the purpose of the preso itself. Right?
8. Don’t bother training older workers
Just experience and age presence is good enough, there is no need to waste time and money actually training them. After that, put them in direct management of young graduates with unrealistic expectations of work and money – watch whilst these two incompatible mindsets strangle the productivity out of your company.
9. Keep piling work on your employees and don’t reward them monetarily
That’s what they’re there for right? To work? Their reward is that they get to keep the job, so why bother rewarding them at all? And if they get frustrated, let them resign…you can always find another person to take over the job. Train the next person from scratch, spend lots of money and time with each new person, you can afford it! This is a big productivity killer and you should be proud of it!
10. Schedule in a ton of meetings, co-ord sessions, discussions….
If you’re good, you can even do a pre-meeting meeting. Or a pre-pre-meeting meeting. During these meet-ups, make sure the topic digresses into a million other conversations and always, always have thousands of actionable ideas that will never see fruition. There is no need to have an overall vision and guiding leader in these meetings because the point is to look busy right?
*Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with the writer’s experience at work lol…