Tinder for the Male Dummy


Keep swiping right but still no match?


Then buddy, dude, mate, compadre, sit down. We need to have a chat.

Nothing screams sadness and punches you in the gut quite like the decision you make to download Tinder on your smartphone. I’ve been there, you’ve been there, even those who’d argue they downloaded it purely for the “fun and thrill” of it have been there.

Alas, the damage has been done and while we’re indulging in the judgmental and superficial world of Tinder we might as well do it properly, professionally (it hurts just typing that).

I’ll get you started with a few Do’s and Don’ts and tips and experiences, but the rest of your adventure depends on your prerogative. Godspeed, lads.

Do’s and Don’ts when it comes to setting  up your profile.


DO have a real image of at least your face, to be displayed for the ladies to casually objectify. If you’re reading this thinking why on earth wouldn’t I use my own picture… Here’s why, some people actually use cats, dogs even photos dug up from primary school, unless it is a true reflection of your personality, please la just use a recent photo.

DO get creative with your profile pictures. Like I’ve mentioned, make sure it includes your face first and foremost, then get creative. One of your #OOTD’s perhaps? A picture of you reading a book to depict your depth maybe, if all else fails, just go with a selfie (if you’re into that sort of thing).

DO NOT get desperate. A shirtless picture of you in the gym, a picture of you looking dangerous and threatening sitting between two sedated tigers in Phuket or a picture of you with Old Trafford in the background.

DO not lie about your age. It never ends well. (Why you need to lie?)

DO include a bio of yourself. A short, simple and cryptic one. Mine reads “Published writer, washed-up footballer, perpetual disappointment”. It tells them who and what I am without giving too much away. You’ll be as surprised as I was to the sort of conversations that have been struck..

DO not go overboard with your bio. Your height, your dog’s name, your shoe size, NO! Instead say that you’re outgoing or adventurous, there’s no need to tell the world you sky-dive, ski, bowl, have an insatiable appetite for blood etc… Drop the fancy, lovey-dovey, Sylvia Plath-etic quotes from your bio, just carpe diem instead.

DO pay attention to your Facebook “Likes”. As Tinder uses information from your Facebook profile so mutual Likes between yourself and your prospective matcher plays a good buffer. For example, If you’re into romantic comedies, make sure you give movies like Love Actually or Notting Hill a “Like” on Facebook. A lady with Trainspotting or The Maccabees is an automatic Swipe-Right for me.

DO NOT include your Instagram handle in your bio. Leave that to the Like-chasers. Have some dignity, son.

don't be this guy
Don’t be this guy


I do not have the luxury and luck of charming good looks; I do not have chiseled cheekbones, my eyes do not give off a killer gaze, my teeth are not perfect. I do, however, have some qualities others may lack; I’ve got height, I can grow immaculate facial hair, and God has blessed me with a brain.

I therefore, work on those strengths. I don’t necessarily or blatantly show them off, I remain tactical; a bit of subliminal messaging if you’ve been paying attention in your classes.

Where I won’t write my 185cm height in my bio, I’ll include a picture of me with a friend or a group of friends in which I tower over most of them. Where other guys would have pictures of themselves with their rock-solid abs, I’ll have an image with me clean-shaven, and one with a beard. Versatility. As for brains, I’ll guide you to the most important bit of Tinderverse.


Your opener. “Take pride in it. Show wit. Show eloquence. Show commitment. Show confidence. Show conviction.”

“Hey.”, “Hey! What are your hobbies?” or “You look pretty” are an absolute no no. If they work on some girls, those are the ones you don’t want in your life.

If you match someone with an intriguing name (there’s an awfully thin line between ‘intriguing’ and ‘ridiculous’) like Audriana, Sinéad or Minami, you could say: “Wow, your name’s almost as pretty as mine/your face.”

If you match someone with a similar music taste to you (mutual likes, very important!) : “I’ve got a playlist I’ve created, think you might fancy it.”

If you match someone with a similar bio: “You’re going to have to let me read some of your writings.”

Those are actual lines I’ve used myself and found success with, flirting with a thin line separating confidence and arrogance. You certainly don’t lose anything for trying to be yourself; and you’ll learn that it’s an attractive trait.

I’ve also had luck with attempting ridiculous openers and pick-up lines (mostly influenced by tinderlines.com) for the absolute fun of it. It works, but you’ll get unmatched more often than not. My rationale was if I could get an equally ridiculous response from her, she’d be someone I’d really want to hang out with.

I sent her this: “What are your thoughts on genocide?”

Her reply: “Coldplay and their fans are top of my list.”


There will come a point where you ask yourself what you’re really on Tinder for. Finding new friends? Hook-ups? Someone special?

I haven’t decided myself, but I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t had an experience with all three of them. I’ve made friends, I’ve found myself looking down into the bottom of a liquor bottle and suggesting a hook-up, and I’ve gotten perilously close to falling in love.



Follow me on Twitter, and send me all your hate-tweets and Tinder happenings as they unfold.

Raun A.








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