There has been plenty of talk of the politicians to watch out for this GE, from sharp-tongue speakers to gilat CV holders, from animal lovers to auntie-killers.
But in the festivity that is GE, here are 10 people we have forgotten to look out for, but who could really put a dent on the GE results.
They are like us; They walk like us, talk like us, eat like us… they live among us. In some cases, they ARE us.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we hereby present the 10 types of voters that could make a realdifference this GE; perhaps even more so than a single politician.
1. STUCK IN THE MIDDLE SALLY
She is, as her name suggests, a voter stuck in the middle – a floating platform. No policy from NDR is really going to benefit her.
GE Catchphrase: “I have already gotten my baby bonus, claimed my maternity, have a home, and am far from retirement. My parents haven’t given me trouble yet. I want for nothing la, although I could use a lift upgrade and have a nicer handbag than my neighbour.”
2. MICRO-VISION MIKE & RANSOM RAYMOND (TWIN BROTHERS)
Oh boy do Mikes and Raymonds exist. For every 100 friends on Facebook you have, you can be sure that there are at least 5 Mikes and 5 Raymonds.
GE Catchphrase: “PAP should get my vote la. But if polling day I kenna saman, then my vote goes to the next better player.”
3. CAPTAIN CAPITALIST
Because money talks and bullshit walks.
GE Catchphrase: “I read in the Economist, of a quote from a Financial Times writer, about CNN and the BBC… Oh, my vote? Whichever is a smaller trade-off and the bigger payout.”
4. LOYAL LARRY
Just to rhyme, he drives a lorry.
GE Catchphrase: “MAJULAH *Insert PARTY Name*!!!”
5. NO-BABY NAOMI
Tomorrow’s young creative urbanite. Nothing is scarier than the future you know nothing about.
GE Catchphrase: “GE stands for Gucci Envy, my favourite perfume. Of course I know it stands for General Elections! But does this face look like it cares?! It’s all baby bonus this and parternity leave that and home owner bla bla bla. Excuse me but I have a manicure appoinment i.e. more important things to do.”
6. FED UP FREDDY
This person is fed up with life in general and needs an outlet. He should really be at a boxing class but instead, he is the one who stands next to us on the train.
GE Catchphrase: “They are all not listening la. Take fat pay checks and play with our lives. I’ve been stuck in trains, in the same salary zone, with the same wife, and even in my own lift! My vote will be a handwritten ‘F You’!!”
7. SWING VOTE SIMON (AKA POKER FACE PETE)
He patiently waits in his coffee shop to see who will come shake his hand, as if he had all the five-years in the world to spare.
GE Catchphrase: “Your vote is your vote. My vote is sacred. We shall see.”
8. KEITH KAMIKAZE
Has a pocket full of f*cks to give, but he gives none.
GE Catchphrase: “I’m moving out of my estate this year and migrating next year. So long all you suckers! I’m gonna vote the WP = WORSER Party, just to see you all BURRrrRRNnnn! Haha!”
9. NOT THAT OLD JOE
Just joined Facebook and learnt how to initiate group chats.
GE Catchphrase: “They raise re-employment age. Some people tell me it’s good, means I have more power of negotiation at work. Some say bad, cos they want to work us to death. I shall consult this thing called the Internet and Facebook to find answers.”
10. INTELLECTUAL IRENE & IGNORANT IRIS – TWINS
Irene reads loads. She is concerned with global threats, market forces, and national identity. She wants to vote for the best candidates and the best team, and she wants to hear long-term strategies, not witness petty mud-slinging.
GE Catchphrase: “Who am I voting for? Isn’t it obvious?”
Iris chats on her Whatsapp a lot. She is concerned because her horoscope advised her to stay home on polling day. Besides, two potential MPs from separate camps have facial structures of potential adulterers and that makes her very uncomfortable.