It’s that time of the year again… Chinese New Year. Where newlyweds weep at the sight of their empty pockets and singles groan at the thought of having to deal with a barrage of questions regarding their love lives, where parents discuss ang bao rates and children are the only winners. Ahhhh… Chinese New Year.
To help you prepare for the interrogations, we’ve listed down some popular questions that relatives love to ask during CNY, regardless of age, gender or marital status. We’ve also thrown in a few tips on how you can get them to leave you alone. You’re welcome.
General annoying questions / statements
“Wah you put on weight ah!”
TIP: Before I even go on, seriously the relatives who say this are just… I can’t even… It’s like they’ve lost all sense of empathy and sense, and no longer possess an EQ. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT, LIKE WHAT PURPOSE DOES IT EVEN SERVE TO TELL SOMEONE THAT THEY’RE FAT! Ok now that mammaries have been calmed, when faced with this hurtful statement just reply with a broad smile,
- English: “Thank you san gu (or insert title of relative), you too are looking a little heftier around the waist! Doesn’t feel so good when someone tells you that does it?”
- Chinese: “谢谢三姑。妳的肚腩也明显多了！听了不太爽吧？”
- Singlish: “Ah gu, your tummy, blouse also cannot even cover half liao. Why, hear already not shiok right?”
“Who are you working for now? So how much do you make a month?”
TIP: You’re involved in a complex multi-level marketing business selling a health product that will keep all illnesses at bay, even cancer! ESPECIALLY cancer! It’s a magical rock that will also bring good fortune to the house! Like omg, what a magnificent rock! All your relative has to do is to pay $888.88 (you gave them a good price because you’re related by blood ok?) for a rock that will bring them endless love and joy, recommend 10 friends, and for each friend who buys a rock, your relative will receive $88.88 and your eternal gratitude!
So this approach can go 2 ways. They will either siam you and block your mobile number faster than you can say “scam”, or they will actually display interest and ask to see the rock. If the latter happens I suggest you spend the rest of your time there educating them about scammers and scam tactics because they are your relative after all.
“Got boyfriend / girlfriend oredi a not?”
TIP: Show them your Tinder app. Tell them that with technology, you can go on many dates with many people. Why just stop at one fish when you can have plenty of fish from the sea? The conservatives in them will likely start judging you as a slut / manslut, recoil in horror and disgust, and avoid you for the rest of the day because in their minds you probably have some sort of STD now.
“Why so long still don’t have boyfriend / girlfriend?”
TIP: Look wistfully out the window. Force a tear to roll down your cheek of choice, turn to look at them sadly and choose one of these lines:
- “Cause I fat”
- “Cause I ugly”
- “Cause I old”
- “Cause I poor”
- “Cause nobody loves me”
- “Cause mommy and daddy say 40 / 50 years old then can have boyfriend / girlfriend”
- “Cause the government”
Then just keep very, very silent. Cry if you can, crying helps.
For someone in a relationship
“When you getting married ah?”
TIP: This will be a team effort. Rope your other half in. Say loudly in an unhappy tone “I DONNO WHENEVER HE / SHE IS READY LOR, WHENEVER THAT MIGHT BE. MAYBE WHEN I’M 60 YEARS OLD” and stage an argument with your other half that very moment. $5 says your 78 year old great grandaunt will sprint to the toilet at a timing faster than your shuttle run timing back in Sec 4.
“When are you going to give your parents a grandchild?”
TIP: “Oh we can’t have any so we’re thinking of adopting. Heard Malaysia quite affordable. You know of anyone? Can recommend?”
For someone who was in a relationship last year but is no longer in one this year
TIP: Yours was a forbidden love. It was never meant to be. You lived in separate worlds and one day he literally fell into your life with his hammer. You were so different, he was big, strong and arrogant, he looked like a God, while you were just a mere mortal in his presence. He was banished from his Bukit Timah bungalow by his rich and powerful father for a mistake he made and sent to find lodging in the HDB heartlands. Later, his atas friends came to look for him to return to his atas life, because his younger adopted brother has been going a bit cray and pissing their father off. So he left you, to challenge his brother and regain his rightful place as heir, and he’s been stuck in the bungalow since. He said he’ll be back but you’ve not heard from him for many moons. You respect his decision, and you’ll continue to wait for him. But God knows when he’ll be back.
If this sounds remotely like the plot from Thor, it is. But they probably won’t know that. OR you can take the lazy way out and say he / she cheated and so you broke up.